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Beach Party
No, you're wrong. Absolutely, positively and rather unequivocally in
the wrong. This is not a Beach Party; it's a "Beach" Party. See the
quotes there, that means it's all tongue in cheek so to speak. It also
means that you won't be down by the sea, burying the smallest and weakest
kid in the sand, or body surfing till you vomit. The "Beach" Party is
an indoor
event to be held in a month like December when the weather is kinda
frightful and everything else pretty much sucks eggs too. Besides, why
would we tell you how to have a Beach Party (sans "quotes")? Any dim
witted jackass can figure out how to have a party at the beach itself
(go to the beach, bring some friends); but indoors, now that takes a
bit of genius. So in fact, you should read this, shouldn't you?
What you want to do is bring the spirit of an A-1 beach type bash right
into your own living room. You may also want to form a naked conga line
or surf in your tub but that, of course, is at your discretion. First
things first (as it would be inappropriate for first things to go second
or third). You will need the following items:
1. One kiddie pool and enough water to fill the damn thing. (Water heaters are nice but certainly optional.)
2. One more kiddie pool and beach sand a plenty to place there in.
3. Beach stuff. (Towels, blankets, beach balls, chairs etc.)
4. Torches.
5. A Nerf ball (indoor volley or wally ball is simply "bitch'in")
6. Real and/or fake beach type vegetation. (i.e.. fake palm trees in the kitchen and seaweed in the toilet.)
7. Heat lamps and tanning oil.
When the night of the party is at hand, clear out all, yes all, of your furniture. In its place put the two pools, one with water and one sand, beach chairs, blankets and towels all about the room. You can put the torches at the corners of the room or near the front door but, for god's sake, don't light them! If you've been able to get your hands on a few heat lamps you should place them behind the pools, off into a corner, effectively creating a beach. Be careful not to put the lamps to close to anything,these things will start fires. Further, heat lamps do work so oil up if you're looking to tan. Once the scene is set, try putting out some tropical fruit, setting up a fake palm tree and throwing some seaweed in the toilet. There's onlyone bathroom at the beach kids.
You're trying to create abeach here, spend a few bucks, rent "Beach Blanket Bingo" and try to imagine Annette Funichello doing a keg stand. In other words nothing beats authentic 60's style. Now crank the heat. The old thermostat should be in the 90's. Basically you're ready. Guests should wear bathing suits or loose fitting beach duds (i.e.. tank tops, sarongs, etc.) and loose the shoes at the front door.
Be creative, have a luau, cook up some steamers, play the beach boys, surf in your tub, it's all up to you. It's actually a great responsibility delivering your frozen friends from the icy grip of winter, so don't screw it up! You should do everything humanly possible to help your guests forget that beyond your front door is hell freezing over.
Music: The Beach Boys. Jimmy Buffet. Bob Marley. This should really be a no brainer.
Food: Hamburgers and hot dogs are a must. Chips are good too, but no dip. (People who bring dip to a beach should be shot) A watermelon is a must as well, but may prove to be more then a bit difficult to find. If you do get your hands on a few melons (wink, wink) try popping a hole in it and filling it with vodka and Hawaiian Punch. Fruits like bananas, oranges, and pineapple should be about as well. Lastly, if you can, get some clams! Lot's of clams. Put them in a large pot and feed them corn meal to help clean and fatten them up. The day of the party, simply throw them in a pot and then boil them alive. Basically you're having a cook out in. WARNING: Do not use a gas grill indoors or, in the event of a leak, you could very quickly find your self outdoors several hundred feet from what used to be your house.
More Food: knackwurst!. Knackwurst baby! Knackwurst boiled in beer!
Location: Indoors, indoors , indoors.
Games: Twister, Limbo, plastic horse shoes.
Underwear: Boxers with palm trees are always appropriate. To be truly authentic, you could fashion some underwear out grass. Watch out though, they are a bit scratchy.
NOTE: Get some money up front, your heating bill for the month will resemble the national debt.
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