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Jungle Party

Although it seems like only yesterday, it has to of been about six or seven years now since we first ventured deep into the heart of the African jungle. Pigmy cannibals, rabid hippos, malaria... we experienced it all first hand, immersing ourselves in the timeless wonders of the "dark continent". Despite the fact that everyone should, at one time or another, make a pilgrimage to the birth place of mankind, the Garden of Eden not withstanding, we realize that not everyone can be so lucky. Indeed, many any of you will never make it east of Newark, NJ. (Newark, incidentally, it at its loveliest in early April, just before the opening of riot season) Anyhow, we felt that monetary and travel restrictions should not hinder any of you from experiencing what we experienced. The sights, the sounds,... and yes the smells of the jungle can be yours. With that, we now present the Jungle Party.

The jungle party is as enjoyable an effort as one can possibly make. Before we begin, you should take the time to peruse the following list of items, items which you may or may not choose to include in a jungle party of your own creation:

  • Four snakes of the evil and menacing variety

  • Several large, no, make that obnoxiously large, potted ferns

  • One, and only one, hippopotamus (Hippos do not enjoy social mixers as a rule, try to keep it happy. Offer it a bag of Fritos)

  • Pith helmets complete with battery operated forehead fans for each of your guests Lots and lots of funny little monkeys

  • Malaria and or Botulism (We believe both to be available in an aerosol form through a subsidiary of the Iraqi government)

  • One Idi Amin look-a-like toting about the skull of one rather unfortunate political prisoner

Now some, or perhaps even all, of the items on the above list may be a bit difficult for you and yours to procure (although grabbing a couple of giant plants and a fucking hippo shouldn't be that much of a chore). That's okay. These are just ideas. You are the painter, with your home or recreational facility the canvas. We are only here to guide you. All kidding aside, perhaps its time we started in with that guiding thing. Your going to want to recreate a jungle. Let's start off with the climate. Begin by cranking your thermostat up to about 95°. The jungle is a rather warm place and 65°, no matter how economical, is not going to cut it. Remember to do this first thing so your house has time to heat up. And keep the windows closed! Secondly, the jungle, in addition to the unbearable heat, is also a rather wet place, hence the term "she's got a jungle in her pants". Get yourself five or six humidifiers and let em' crank baby! Now for the decor. You definitely need big plants and lovely jungle creatures. The plastic and stuffed variety of each will do, but if you choose to go with living things, be sure all poisonous snakes are properly milked for venom just before the party starts. Oh, and no matter how tempted, VENOM IS NOT A MIXER, especially not with gin. Moving right along now; moss is good. So are leaches and dung. Spread each of them liberally throughout your household. Go easy on any insects you may wish to introduce into your home, army ants are a bitch to clean from a dryer vent. Believe us on this, we've been there. Lastly, get yourself some exotic fruits and place them willy-nilly around your party area. Such fruits should include, but not be limited to, bananas, mangos, papayas and Elton John.

Now, what to wear... what to wear. There are essentially three looks one can choose from. The first is the Dr. Livingston approach. Men and woman each don safari type shirts, pants, boots and head wear, thus emulating Dr. Livingston and, or, Dr. Jane Goodall respectively. The second look is that of Tarzan and Jane. Men need look no farther than Johnny Weismuller for inspiration while woman can take their cues from the lovely and talented Bo Derek. Lastly, for our hairier friends, there is the Cheetah look. Cheetah is, of course, Tarzan's faithful monkey companion who eventually had to be booked into the Betty Ford Clinic in the late seventies for what was apparently a horrible addiction to potassium rich products.

Okay, so maybe all this has been little more than an exercise in stupidity. Nonetheless, a jungle party can be loads of fun and, well, we're sure you've got the general idea of the thing. Have fun boys and girls and remember to tip your waiters and waitresses.

Food: Fruits and Nuts and Berries...oh my! Monkey is also quite tasty but take care in avoiding the green ones; they're not ripe.

Dress: See above short term memory boy

Location: Your home or back yard would be best, especially if either is overgrown with kudzu.

Underwear: Mosquito netting fashioned into a low rise brief


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